Life, Friends, God, Security

                   There was a day I had a conversation with a friend about friendship.  He cherishes friendship a lot, the amount of effort he makes sometimes blows my mind, I've known him for quite a while now. Been friends since primary school and still am. Though there was somewhat gap years between us we still know who we are towards each other and that wont change even if we have grown more mature and probably bigger.

                     A thought provoke me thinking how he cherishes his friends so much and that what if the moment he just losses it? Yes he has experience being back stab by friends and here and there being in a state of confusion sometimes. Finding ways to always forget it and try not to think so much he'll tend to get himself busy or something, anything at all. Not only him but I believe it is so in the general public.

                     The same question came back to me, what if I really lost it all? What if I get abandon by my friends? or maybe they just somehow faded away into the air and never to be seen again, some move on without you, back stab maybe? taken for granted just as my friend experience or most sadly just passed away in to the graves.  What happens now? Of course a pain no mind of mine could ever imagine, even thinking about it leaves me speechless, but do my friends around me define who I really am? probably to some degree.

                     Knowing friends around me have played such an important role that shapes me in my life. Take for example Calvin Lee who turn out to be my youth leader. Yes his not perfect. Who is in this world? Convinced there is no one perfect and that whoever God has sent is pre-planned by his knowledge just makes me wonder who else is going to surround me and shape me. Shaping in an uncomfortable way? Yes sometimes.

                     Even mentioning about Gareleos (He has a unique name), Erica and Melissa who I see us as a group of friends enjoying one another's company whenever we can, having somewhat similar characteristics and hobbies. Photography and videography (close enough), Music, Guitar, Piano, Fashion. wonderful to just hang out together and although walking side by side together eyeing on the event may give an analogy of friendship. I believe we are more than that.

                    We do also have friends around us where we so constantly hope to keep and try to maintain that it just seems to take a toll on us whenever we try and try, yet we fail. Sometimes even blaming ourselves for it. I wonder why. As I still explore this question, I also learned not to be so gripped by such things no matter how difficult it may be. Honestly letting go is a hard process and time sometimes seems so absent before it comes to help.  Though I have experience some friendship not breaking apart but merely drifting slowly away and somehow preserve in a shallow state and whenever the next time we meet there's really nothing to talk about.

                     The happy times, the sad times, the personal time just seems to fade away, yet we somehow know one another so much but may not have that comfort to bring about such topics anymore. Maybe we might be thinking how much that person has changed. Who knows why right?

                      To conclude, loosing any of my friends due to quarrels, undesired events, unavoidable tragedies, especially those I hold very dear to. I surely could not imagine what would ever happen to me. How I would respond or what would I become of it. Thought so many things are uncertain. Praise God I know and am assured that He is certain. Even in life where everything can be shaky even family and friends. God is sure, my form of Security, Identity. The mystery of suffering will always be there. Causing me to ask questions that leaves me into confusion sometimes. But hey, whats around me right now, whats been promised, what God promised. At least it gives me little/ enough strength to take another step.

-Ronald-